What does it mean to need?
Need defines an empty space waiting to be filled. Why does that embarrass me? Is it the sheer depth and volume of that space? Is it my belief that it should not exist, and if it does exist that it should have been satisfied long ago? The truth is that I am needy. I do need. I have been alone most of my life, so I am good at being independent and closed down. There have been too many disappointments.
What lives in me now is an ancient need, a need with the force of a tornado or a hurricane. It is a force that moves through me. I am powerless to contain it. The hiding place of this need has been opened and revealed in our meeting. I can not stop it any more then a birthing mother can arrest her labor.
I am vulnerable, fragile and young in this place. I am a child needing to be reassured. Yes, he tells me. You’ll be fine. I see who you are and I am not running away. I am moving closer.
I trust him. I open to let him in, all the time asking my warrior self to stand ready. Snatch her out of there if it looks too dangerous, I warn. The ice could crack and she could go down. But the only ice that cracks is the freeze around my heart, leaving me more and more exposed. The man holds my dreams in his hands, and so far he holds them tenderly and with compassion.
Do I dare trust?
Do I dare hope?
Do I dare be this needy?
There is nothing for it but to be in the moment allowing life to be life, and love to grow and open, or not. There is no control now, only hope and a great desire for the safety of the child within. The child is always visible in the fabric of ones life, always. I’ve had glimpses of myself standing on the strength of love, and felt every fiber shifting its position to one of readiness and allowing. The moment is the only truth I can hold and this moment is beautiful and full of gratitude.
I hope you don’t mind how obsessed I am with you.
I hope you don’t mind my crazy morning hair, morning breath and controlling behavior.
I hope you don’t mind getting to know my internal cast of characters.
I hope you don’t mind my extreme independence.
I hope you don’t mind meeting my friends and family.
I hope you don’t mind the way I can’t get enough of your body, scent, smile, and boyish grin.
I hope you don’t mind being the man who runs interference for me with machines, sprinklers, computers, cars and gadgets of every kind.
I hope you don’t mind coming home to me for the rest of your life and folding your warm flesh against my hungry body. I hope you don’t mind how I run on and on about adoring you.